I know everyone around here has an "I saw the craziest thing on the New York subway" story, but last night I swear to you I saw the craziest thing on the New York subway.

When I got on the G train, there was a man whose entire body appeared to be covered in tattoos. He had a big red star around his right eye, a chilli pepper on his cheek, some sort of galaxy of planets on the back of his head, and a big "DON'T" on the back of his neck. I couldn't get a clear look at his leg, but it appeared to have some sort of naked woman worshiping a multi-eyed green cat. His clothes were pretty standard punk, except for a green mini-leprechaun hat that looked brand new. Pretty strange, but nothing exceptional.

He and his friend (who was wearing completely normal clothes and had no visible tattoos) were making balloon-animal penises. They were hanging them from the bar you hold on to when there's no room to sit. Tattoo-guy would often pop the balloons (accidentally, I think) or let all the air out so it sounds like a fart (on purpose, I'm sure). Whenever Tattoo-Guy caught someone looking (and everybody was looking) he'd shoot them a "Hey! What are you looking at?" grin. They seemed to be delighting in the attention they knew they were getting, but still nothing exceptional.

Then, at the next stop, a mariachi band got on.

They were dressed head-to-toe like a real mariachi band. There were only two of them - one had a guitar, the other had a mini-accordion. They started to play their mariachi song right next to tattoo-guy, who just kept on making phallic balloon animals. Neither ever acknowledged the other. It was unbelievable. Another rider and I shared a Jim-Halpert-esque "Is anyone else seeing this?" glance.


BONUS STORY - the grossest thing I've seen on the New York subway was an Asian male, probably in his 20's, with mole hair coming off his jaw that was so long HE HAD BRAIDED IT. The second craziest thing I've ever seen was the girl who was hanging on to him.