Ugh. Survivor: The Ride. I don't know where to begin.

During college, my roommates and I were pretty into Survivor. It was a weekly house event. So I was ecstatic to learn that there was going to be a Survivor: The Ride within driving distance while we were on vacation in San Francisco together. It promised to combine three of my favorite things - roller coasters, Survivor, and stupid shit.

I'm sorry to report that the ride itself is pretty poor. However, the pre-ride Tribal Challenge made it all worth it.

Before you board, a park employee splits a ride's worth of people up into four teams. The challenge is hosted, via video, by Survivor All-Stars Jenna Morasca and Ethan Zohn. The pair teach you a dance and a song. Supposedly, the team who performs the best will get the other teams wet. The clearer (and meaner) way to put it is the team who performs the worst gets the wettest.

The problem with the game, beyond it's own inherent stupidity, is that it's immediately clear nobody is paying attention. The park employees are too busy contemplating how much they hate their job and making sure nobody falls off the ride - in that order. Also, while waiting in line you'll watch the ride go by at least a dozen times. Eventually, you'll notice a conspicuous lack of water on the ride. So, during most cycles of the game Jenna and Ethan's instructions and awful chant are barely even acknowledged.



Survivor: The Ride - Tribal Challenge on Vimeo

I tried to document every aspect of my whole Survivor: The Ride experience so that Survivor fans can see everything there is to see without actually wasting their time.